If I Only Had A Heart

[Matrim]

-5 hours later-

KZZZHT.....

Matrim's body sat straight up suddenly, his eyes opened, one of them was tweaking out, going from his natural eye color which was brown, to orange. It was his left eye to be exact.

"Wha-" Matrim said suddenly grabbing the back of his head, and he was cut off by the sound of screaming.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Matrim suddenly realized the screaming was coming from him.

"AHHHHHH! WHAT IZZZ THIZ" He said, not even used to the feel of his own tounge. He began to rock his body back and forth every once and awhile turning his head to the right, his eye color seemed to almost change back and forth like an electrical short was occurring.

What happened.... I was dying..... Reira kissed me..... and I died, I think I died, I could have sworn my heart stopped..... my heart? why does my chest feel weird..... am I dead? WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MEEE?!?!?!?!?

"WHATS HAPPENING TO ME?!?!?!??!?!"

[Reira]

An ear shattering scream jolted her from unconsciousness. She had only just opened her eyes and sat up when her bed was roughly rocked to its side, depositing her body to the ground. Hands breaking most of her fall, she had no time to feel pain. Peering over her bed, from the ground, she took in the scene. Her eyes widened.

Matrim was awake and he was utterly freaking out. In his panick, the hospital bed he was in was jerking fiercely. His eyes were almost as wide as her own, turning into a bright hue of orange. On his chest was a circular contraption that emitted a bright neon blue light. She had to stay calm, she wouldn't scream.

"AHHHHHH! WHAT IZZZ THIZ" She tried to approach him, to try to settle him down. "MATRIM," she said, trying to be louder them him. "ITS OKAY!" Reira tried to near him, only to be knocked away from the flailing of his arms. This was out of her hands. Grabbing her MAC, she sent a message to the only person that could help.

Solaris!!.....Matrim....help!!

Now all she had to do was wait, but how could she wait when Matrim was like this. It saddened her to see him suffering. She couldn't just sit pretty, she had to try. Somehow she managed to sneak up behind him and place her arms around his back, placing her face near his neck.

"Matrim! It's okay, your fine. Your alright. I'm here now," she said, whispering into his ear. Her eyes were squeezed shut, wondering if she would be pushed away again. "Just breath..calm down..everything is going to be fine, I promise."

Solaris! Hurry the hell up!

[Solaris Awren (Chronos)]

"WHATS HAPPENING TO ME?!?!?!??!?!" Not only could Solaris hear it, but he could hear Matrim's thoughts as well.
Solaris!!.....Matrim....help!! And that from Ms. Riera's MAC. Yes, that just about confirmed it. Solaris walked in from the the lobby as he was heading back to the AI core. Opening the door, it sounded like a really bad soundtrack. Metal? Screamo? It didn't matter. Solaris came in, gave Reira an unintentional grumpy look, and then came up to the boy's bedside.

He peered to Reira and chuckled a little bit. "Heh, he wasn't supposed to wake up quite yet. He'll be alright." Solaris kneeled beside the screaming boy and started into the fluctuation of his eyes. A sharp glow from Solaris' own, and a motion of two fingers from his left hand, and he was gone. The screaming stopped. And Matrim was out once again like a baby. *Sigh*

"I'm sorry about that." Solaris pulled up a seat next to Reira and continued with his ramblings. "Well, it worked for the most part. He'll be like that until he gets used to me in his head unfortunately. Are you alright, or do you want me to hang around for awhile?" Normally sarcastic and condescending, the AI did have a soft spot for when loved ones were in trouble. It was just one of his memories he kept around.

[Reira]

Reira was so thankful Solaris came when he did. Matrim didn't seem to be calming down, no matter what she said. Who could blame him though? Waking to such changes to your body, would make any sane man go into shock. She would, she knew that.

"Heh, he wasn't supposed to wake up quite yet. He'll be alright," Solaris said with a small chuckle. She looked at him with incredulous eyes. How could he laugh at a time like this? I guess he is a machine..sorta thing..it must be natural for him to act so calm. Or maybe I just need to roughen up my wits a bit... With quick motion of his hand, Solaris had knocked Matrim out. He collasped like dead weight against her.

A sudden silence filtered through the room, it was slightly unnerving. Reira then scooted herself out of Matrims bed, laying his head gently down on his pillow. Sighing, she flooped on her own bed and placed the pillow over her head. It has been a loong day.

"I'm sorry about that." She could feel him take a seat beside her. "Well, it worked for the most part. He'll be like that until he gets used to me in his head unfortunately. Are you alright, or do you want me to hang around for awhile?" The darkness the pillow created was soothing to her eyes, and she almost regretted removing it to sit up. "Don't be sorry. I actually want to thank you. First for saving him and second for calming him down," she answered with a smile.

"I think I can manage on my own, just as long as he doesn't do that again!" After seeing Solaris put Matrim asleep like that, she didn't think he would be waking up any time soon.

If I did hear correctly...he said that it would take some time before Matrim gets used to having him in his head...is that a good or bad thing..having Solaris in your head? I can think of a few pros and cons.

[Matrim]

Matrim slept for a few more hours before getting, up, again he shot straight up almost machine like with a jolt. His left eye was still tweaking a little.

"unnngh......" He said, putting his hand over his forehead. He had a migraine, he could have sworn he was hearing voices. The good thing was that he wasn't screaming, not that he remembered that.

"Unnngh.... Reira.... is that you?" Matrim said looking over to see a girls face somewhere, everything was still a little blurry, "Where am I? What happened... the last thing I remember was my heart stopped beating, and you kissed me.... and then..... some pain.... and now I'm awake...."

Am I dead...... did I die? Or maybe I'm in the infirmary.... that's probably it, what happened to me? Why does my head hurt so badly for a heart attack?

Heart Attack........ Uncle Jordan

I'm going to rip his head off......

Matrim was now covering his face and trying to concentrate on his eyes as they slowly came into focus.

[Reira]

During her coversation with Solaris, Reira was surprised to find that she had fell asleep! Her weariness must have been great for her to fall asleep while talking to someone. Shaking her head awake, she found that Solaris was asleep, in the same spot she remembered him to be. Definately a long day..or night..or both maybe?

Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, she looked towards Matrim. He seemed to stirr. To her shock, he was waking up! "Unnngh.... Reira.... is that you?" Being careful not to wake up Solaris, she pulled up a chair beside Matrims bed and sat in it. "Yes its me. How are you feeling?" He didn't answer her, only carried on with more questions. "Where am I? What happened... the last thing I remember was my heart stopped beating, and you kissed me.... and then..... some pain.... and now I'm awake...."

"You are in the infirmary. Once you found out about Jordan, your heart started failing. It went into cardiac arrest..and Solaris and the Doc saved you. It was a complicated operation. I think they made a new heart for you..its has something to do with the shining circular device in your chest. I don't really understand, Solaris can probably tell you more about it...the most important thing is, is that your okay!"

Matrim had been covering his face, so he couldn't see her smile in relief. Reaching a hand out, she placed it on his shoulder tenderly. "Your okay..right?"

I'm glad its all over...but what's going to happen now? Matrim, he's going to deal some damage to Jordan...maybe even kill him. But Luke didn't want him to become a murderer...

(ooc: Just to let people know, I asked Solaris if I could make him be asleep in my post )

[Matrim]

"Yeah it's just..... my heart.... it doesn't feel like it's beating.... and I can hear a humming...." Matrim looked down at his chest, he looked at the blue light protruding from the bandages. "What........ what is this thing?"

Matrim wasn't panicked, instead he was curious. If it kept him alive, he wouldn't care. The fact was it's a miracle he's alive.

"Solaris..... and the Doc.... put this in me?" Matrim asked just realizing she had told him about it, "Huh.... Jordan....."

Matrim's mind replayed all the memories, all the things in his head, Jordan must have planned this his entire life, he must have been so angry with his father, but why? Matrim thought of all the possibilities, but he couldn't think of them.

"He forgave my father, and my father forgave him..... my grandfather and I had nothing to do with what happened.... it was just a coma, he went on to become a freaking doctor, a lot better of a life then he would have had if everything had went right..... what the hell made him so angry that he would kill my entire family." Matrim thought about it, "Well..... except for my mother..... that is....."

Matrim hadn't thought about his mom. He had seen pictures and wondered why he never met her side of the family, she died in childbirth, but everytime he brought up family his dad always just said that we were all the family that we had. He had sent a private investigator to track down every living relative Matrim had, he was supposed to hear back from him, but he didn't get the chance once he was in prison.

"Solaris......." Matrim said, "Earth to Solaris, I don't buy that your asleep, your a machine, why does my head hurt so badly? What did you do to my head?"

Matrim didn't think migraines were a side effect of heart surgery, especially with all the pain killers.

[Reira]

Matrim then spoke about the very odd circular blue light emitting from under all the bandages. Even from where she sat beside him, she could hear the humming. "I really don't know what it's called..but it definately runs your new heart. Sorry I'm not more informed.."

"Solaris..... and the Doc.... put this in me? Huh.... Jordan....." She nodded and was going to try to explain more, until he mentioned the name she had come to despise, the name 'Jordan' "I hate him." It was too true. She hated him for everything he had done to Matrim and his family. There was now three people she hated so much that she wanted them to die. Rias, Pierre and now Jordan.

"He forgave my father, and my father forgave him..... my grandfather and I had nothing to do with what happened.... it was just a coma, he went on to become a freaking doctor, a lot better of a life then he would have had if everything had went right..... what the hell made him so angry that he would kill my entire family." Reira didn't know what to say to comfort him,she didn't know the answers either, all she could do was be there for him. Grabbing his hand, she rested her head on the bed. "Sometimes, people committ illogical deeds for their own selfish desires."

Matrim then focused his attention to the figure of Solaris. He was trying to get him to wake up...if he really was sleeping that is. Why did Matrim's head hurt anyway? Letting go of Matrim's hand, she reached out and poked Solaris..."Hey you ..um.. alive in there?"

[Solaris Awren (Chronos)]

Dreams were something of sorts that Solaris didn't have often, and when he did, were normally nightmares of sorts. Memories of the war, torments of fallen demons, lost friends, and gained enemies. All were natural parts of being an eternal machine. All, were a part of his mind, and his being. But tonight was different.

Dreams of his creator swarmed his mind, making him smile. It was rare sight to see Solaris smile in any regard...

"Earth to Solaris, I don't buy that your asleep, your a machine, why does my head hurt so badly? What did you do to my head?"

"Hey you ..um.. alive in there?"

"Meh?" Solaris had in fact been sleeping. While a machine, he still had a soul that required periodic rest from time to time. Rubbing his eyes, he sat up to take note he was still in the infirmary, unmoved from his previous position sitting next to Reira. It seemed several hours had passed...Matrim seemed to be doing rather well after just those few hours.

"Oh...your head." Solaris mentioned, remembering what he did, not fully online yet. "OH! Yes...the reactor." The AI lifted himself from his spot and walked to the bed, taking a stand beside Matrim, lifting his head slightly to check the chip. It seemed to had interfaced rather well. "Well, that..." Solaris said point to the reactor, "...is your new heart. The only way we could save you is by disposing of your old one. And the only way to keep that reactor running, is for me to keep it stable. So I soldered an AI core to your brain."

Solaris smiled and laughed slightly. It was a serious topic sure, but the mention of 'Solder' and 'Brain' in the sentence made him bubbly. "So, yeah. I'm kind of in your head now."

[Matrim]

"Go figure, so this thing isn't just for show...... wait, you're in my head? I don't think I'm quite comfortable with that concept now. I mean, sure, big brothers watching with the camera's and all, but it's a whole 'nother deal with you in my head!"

Matrim wasn't mad he was just stating a fact, "I mean..... I'm grateful to be alive and all, but could you just do me a favor and not snoop around up here? It's sorta invasive and I feel a little vulnerable. Like when you're in a hospital wearing nothing but a backless gown. Which, thank the Lord, I'm not."

Matrim got out of his bed, grabbing the shirt on the coat hanger nearby, putting it on over the bandages but not bothering to button it up.

"Don't know about you, but the smell of anti-bacterial products, linoleum floors, and the beeping noises these machines are making are starting to get to me." Matrim said to Reira, starting to head out of the hospital, holding out his hand for her to grab. He didn't feel like resting, he felt like getting out of there as fast as possible.

[Reira]

Well that's new. Matrim not only had a new heart, he also had new head gear. Solaris had soldered an AI core into his brain. She was very thankful he did so, because all these new..installments..is what was keeping Matrim alive. But knowing Solaris was a permanent residence in Matrim's mind was a little distressing. Now everytime she and Matrim were 'couply' she knew she would always think about how Solaris could be watching. She wished she didn't know anything about the head chip.

"Don't know about you, but the smell of anti-bacterial products, linoleum floors, and the beeping noises these machines are making are starting to get to me," Matrim said. He got up and put his shirt on, then held out his hand for her to take. She took it greatly. "Should you be walking so soon," she asked, eyeing him.

She didn't blame him for wanting to leave though. She would probably do the same, she wasn't any good with hospitals and she was really tired. Just thinking of sleeping in her dorm bed was heaven compared to sleeping in a hospital bed, and she didnt even like her dorm bed! She gave Solaris a small wave and smile before she left the room.

"You worried me a lot you know. Please, don't do it again!" she said sternly but not madly. It was sort of a relief to see him walking again so soon after a several hour long surgery. "This is how girls go crazy ya know," she said laughing slightly. She truely was greatful that everything was okay now.

[Matrim]

"Trust me, if something like this happens again, it'd be the end of me." He said looking at her, he was still in a bit of shock, "Of course, I suppose driving you crazy could be just the motivation I need."

He laughed a little, he wanted to lighten the mood, of course, that didn't stop him from saying what he was going to say.

"I..... I think I deserved it........"

He stopped walking all of a sudden, his arms went limp, for a second he felt like his eyes were on fire, his nose felt dry, and his throat was much the same. His vision blurred.

"I deserved to die........ I should have died....... but I'm still alive......"

He looked up at Reira, not aware of the tears he had, he wasn't bawling or anothing, but they did stream a little, "I'm no better then him......"

Micha........ I killed Michaella Katsune in cold blood.... at the very same place where my life was spared. I should be dead now. I should have been dead in that alley where those thugs shot at my head. I should have died when my lungs were filled with smut and smoke and I had recently been asphyxiated by Alex's flames. I should have been given the death penalty.

It may have been the drugs, it may have been the surgery, he could have been in shock, or it could have been that he took in too much information, the man he once knew and loved as the closest thing he head to a father, was his fathers and grandfathers murderer. If he hated a person because he could murder for such a stupid reason, then Matrim himself, should be equally hated by Micha, or any of her friends and family.

Did.... Did she have family....

[Reira]

Reira felt an unsure smile try to appear when Matrim joked about him making her crazy be all the motivation he needed. He was trying to lighten the mood, she knew it, because his eyes told her otherwise. Heck..just the mood right now, wasn't a normal one. It wasn't warm, it wasn't comfy.

"I..... I think I deserved it........"

Those words hurt her ears..it was like taking a hammer and chissle to a delicate piece of glass and shattereing it gently. They had stopped walking. His arms fell limp to his sides, dragging her arm with it. He had yet to let go of her hand. Reira was devastated! How could he think that!

"I deserved to die........ I should have died....... but I'm still alive......"

Reira couldn't bear to listen anymore. Ripping her hand out of his, she placed her hands on his shoulders and shoved him forcefully against the wall. She looked at him with astounded, hurt eyes. "What the HELL are you thinking, huh?!" Her hands held a steal grip on his shirt. "How can you say that after I just spent the night, worrying my heart out whether or not you'd survive!!!"

Her voice cracked as she said that last sentence. She was trying so hard not to break. She had to keep herself together, to be strong, for the both of them right now. Making hard eye contact, her angered mood, quickly perished when she saw the tears in his eyes. She let go of his shirt suddenly, took a step back, and looked down to her shoes. She held her hand over her eyes.

"I'm no better then him......"

Her hand squeezed against the sides of her head. Reira couldn't believe this was happening. Why did he want to die? She felt like she was standing on the edge of a knife. She felt scared, unsure, sad, frustrated, heinous,stunned,and much more.

"Your wrong..," she said quietly. "Your so much better then Jordan! You didn't pretend to be someone's friend and scheme to murder them! You may have killed Micha, but you didn't take pleasure in it...you felt bad..because your not a monster..you don't deserve to die!! GAWDDAMIT Matrim can't you see that!!" By the end of the sentence she was yelling. Catching her breath, she continued, calmer.

"If you continue to warp this sick thought around any longer..then I want nothing to do with you anymore..because your better then that, your smarther then that! Don't tell me I have been sitting beside you for hours, just to have all the tears I've cried for you wasted! The choice is yours.."

With nothing more to say, she began to walk down the hallway, her hand covering her mouth, to stop herself from letting out the sob she had been holding back. All those words teared at her violently as she spoke them. It was tough love. She hated that she had to be so harsh. All she wanted to do was hug him and tell him gently, but how could she convince him he was wrong if she was passive. Trying to walk quickly was difficult, as her tearing eyes obscured her vision.

I don't want to lose you..

[Matrim]

Matrim didn't snap out of it, not even for her threats. He tried, he really tried, but it was almost like he was too tired and exhausted to bring himself to a fake and cheerful mood. He was too tired to act, to tired to keep secrets, too tired to bring up any strategies for getting out.

"I know.... I know Reira.... and I must have made you so worried, I mean, first time out with a guy and he nearly drops dead, doesn't seem exactly like a romantic date."

He was still sad, and while he had teared up, he wasn't tearing up anymore, "Sometimes I just, I feel like my dad would be disappointed with me. Like I could have done better ya know. And.... I feel angry, that he ever trusted Jordan..... and the really fucked up thing is...... I'm feeling more angry with my dad, right here, right now, then I am with Jordan."

He was saying his thoughts, to a tee. Everything in his head came out of his mouth at the same time. Those words were just as new to him as they would be for her.

"I've never really loved any woman in my entire life. You're the only girl I've ever really been close to."

He hugged her at that moment, "These past five years I've been wandering for life, and I never knew why. I really had no reason to leave home, I never really knew exactly what it was I was looking for. Then one night some punks who I barely knew get themselves killed, and I'm landed here."

"Maybe," He said, letting go, "Maybe, I think, I was looking for you. Because honest to god right now your the only thing keeping those thoughts from taking over my mind, and that, not this fake heart, not this chip in my head, that's whats keeping me alive."

[Reira]

Reira stopped abruptly when she heard Matrim speak, her sholder leaning against the wall for support. So much for her keeping to her threats. She wasn't as strong as she wished she was. There was just too many distractions, to much relentless cracking of the formidable walls she built for herself. Ever since she came here...

"Sometimes I just, I feel like my dad would be disappointed with me. Like I could have done better ya know. And.... I feel angry, that he ever trusted Jordan..... and the really fucked up thing is...... I'm feeling more angry with my dad, right here, right now, then I am with Jordan."

Oh Matrim. If only you could've saw the caring look Luke gave you the day I met him. He could ask for nothing more from you. He loves you, even now in death. If only..I could help you more. If only..

Reira's cheek was pressed against the cool hosiptal walls. Her eyes were dry for the moment, she was very thankful that he couldn't see her face. Her gaze seemed clouded at the moment.

"I've never really loved any woman in my entire life. You're the only girl I've ever really been close to." She could hear his footsteps as her approached her, she remained still. When she felt his arms wrap around her, it was if she collapsed snuggly into his embrace. It was safe. She had never felt like this before towards someone. It was a cataclysmic feeling. Her hands held onto his arms tenderly. "Matrim..I..," before she could continue, Matrim carried on. It was only fair for her to remain quiet when he spoke.

"Maybe, I think, I was looking for you. Because honest to god right now your the only thing keeping those thoughts from taking over my mind, and that, not this fake heart, not this chip in my head, that's whats keeping me alive."

She was speechless. She suddenly felt very very bad for losing her temper and yelling so much. Funny how she had a voice then, but couldn't find one now. This boy, could make her to anything, she would do anything for him. How could she ever think of leaving him! She hugged him more tightly then, her head resting on his shoulder.

"I promised I'd follow you anywhere. If you die..I'll follow you to."

It wasn't a threat. It was the truth. She couldn't see a life without him anymore. He was her life, and she was his. So she would follow.